You have the right to express your feelings, to ask for what you want, and to say no. Assertive communication means doing so respectfully, so that others will actually hear you, and without having to justify yourself, apologize, or feel guilty about what you want.
We all start life being assertive. But sometimes that assertiveness is responded to with abuse, criticism or punishment, especially if our caregivers are struggling with their own stress and mental health. Such a response to our first assertive behavior can instill a deep fear of asking for what we want. Emotional and physical abandonment can have a similar effect, as we fear being left alone if we are too assertive. You may be afraid of saying that you’re unhappy about someone’s behavior (especially those closest to you), or that you want them to behave in a different way. When we can’t communicate assertively, we’re left with two options: passive or aggressive, neither of which is helpful for relationships.
Passive behavior includes always putting other people’s needs first, and discounting our own needs. Perhaps we wait and hope that others will figure out what we need. We hope they’ll get the hint, or we believe they should just know, without us having to say something directly. When they don’t figure it out, we feel resentful, and anger builds.
Aggressive behavior means demanding what we want, manipulating others to get what we want, or using anger or an accusatory tone. That style avoids resentment and anger buildup, but then drives others away, or results in them being aggressive and hostile in return.
Assertive communication is neither passive or aggressive, and follows a simple formula:
- State the problem
- Say how you feel about the problem
- Say what you want to see happen / not happen
- Say how the change will help you
For example, “Sometimes you raise the volume of your voice when you’re talking to me. When you do that, I feel anxious and frustrated. I want you to not speak loudly to me. I would feel a lot more comfortable around you and be better able to discuss things with you.”
Seems easy, right? Seems like something you’d advise a friend to say. But then you imagine yourself doing it and you suddenly feel nervous, or your mind floods with predictions of how it won’t work, or how you’ll be rejected or abandoned. This is the fear from a long time ago, from a time when being assertive was dangerous, and perhaps resulted in scary or hurtful experiences. Things are different now though, as you are an adult, in a mutually dependent relationship with another adult.
Research has shown that assertive communication, when done properly, is almost always received well by the other person. It means they no longer must guess why you seem unhappy or upset. It’s like you’re providing them with the instruction manual on how to interact with you successfully. It may take them a few times to adjust to assertive communication, especially if it is a new skill for you, but I rarely hear of problems from my patients.
When you communicate assertively for the first time, just stating your case is a win. The other person doesn’t need to apologize, or have a deep conversation with you, or instantly and sorrowfully repent their behavior. They may just be silent (which is better than an argument). Plus, it’s now ON RECORD how you feel when they act in a certain matter. And they will remember this the next time they go to act in the unwanted manner.
Overwhelmingly, I hear success stories from assertive communication. People feel heard, the other person gets better at communicating, problems are solved, and people grow closer. The tricky part is pushing through the old fear. Mental health counselors can help you manage that fear and build the skills necessary to communicate your needs effectively.
Reference: Thorn, B. E. (2017). Cognitive therapy for chronic pain: a step-by-step guide. Guilford Publications.