To feel happy, we need to believe in our own worth – to believe we deserve to be treated with respect and to be understood. Self-esteem can be high, low or even negative, and esteem-related beliefs are often disrupted following traumatic events.
Following a traumatic event, our minds sometimes blame us for the event – even if it wasn’t really our fault. This is the mind’s attempt to control the future – (if the trauma was my fault, I can prevent similar trauma in the future). This is a common reaction to trauma, but can lead to significant shame, guilt, or embarrassment. If you are to ‘blame’ for all the bad things that happen to you, and you’ve had a lot of them, then you may come to believe you are seriously flawed. That’s one way self-esteem can be affected by trauma – the mind blames us for the event in an attempt to believe we can stop all horrible things from happening to us.
Ever heard someone object to being called a “victim?” If you’re a victim of a horrible event, that means something bad happened to you, without you being able to stop it. That thought can be frightening, because it means you can’t prevent all traumatic events. Or maybe you’ve heard someone unfairly criticized as ‘acting like a victim.’ Maybe the person doing the criticizing can’t accept that bad things can sometimes happen outside our control. They may need to believe that ‘bad things only happen to bad people,’ and ‘good things happen to good people.’
Childhood trauma can be particularly damaging to self-esteem. As children, we don’t yet understand the difference between our ‘self’ and our ‘behavior.’ So when a trauma occurs and the young mind tries to get control by blaming us, it thinks, “there’s something wrong with me – that’s why I’m being treated this way.” This type of thinking can lead to lifelong self-hatred, or other unhelpful beliefs such as, “I am a trauma magnet,” or “bad things always happen to me.”
People suffering from disrupted self-esteem are more vulnerable to social judgement and criticism. They experience frequent shame and guilt, and they may even act in self-destructive ways.
Psychotherapy treatment of poor self-esteem involves learning to accept that traumas can happen to anyone, not just to those who are ‘bad’ or ‘flawed.’ It also involves learning that a few mistakes does not make someone ‘bad,’ and that there is often no explanation for why bad things happen. As these thoughts slowly gain strength, self-esteem improves, and we once again believe we are deserving of good treatment by ourselves and others.
Ref: Resick, P. A., Monson, C. M., & Chard, K. M. (2016). Cognitive processing therapy for PTSD: A comprehensive manual. Guilford Publications.